Dear Someone,
Hi, my name is… it doesn’t really matter just know that I am a person, a lonely person. A person, a person whose mind is trapped in solitary confinement and the only way out is probably chipping at the cage with my fingers nails. It’s weird and scary to think about, but it’s the truth, it’s the truth to me and that’s what matters. Right now the person I’m talking to, you, me, is a book. I just purchased this book and this quill and I’m going to be and currently am writing down my thoughts; call it a dairy, call it a journal, right now I just want to be able to write my own thoughts down and not have to worry of being judged by someone who isn’t me. So don’t judge me this is my first attempt at being me.
I guess I should start by saying I’m 15, one five, and tomorrow is the first day of freshman year. Tomorrow I’ll become fresh meat. Tomorrow it’ll be up to me to shape my destiny and create who I want to be at this school… At least that’s what my mom says but she says that every year, and every year we end up in the same cycle. I go to school, I have no friends, people talk about me, and I never become the person I dreamt about. But I’m supposed to be charismatic, I’m supposed to be so unique, but how can I when everything is so dull everything is so mediocre, everything is just so… It’s just never the right time, never the right moment, so what’s a person to do?
Draw, color, write, paint? I do those things, I do all of those things, those are the doctor’s order but I thought they were supposed to be away from me to become happy, for me to have fireworks in my belly, for me to experience what’s it's like to cry from joy instead of sadness, but all it did was amplify my emotions. My drawings are always sad and dark and the colors of them always stay either black, white, grey, or red. It’s simple, it’s common, it's unspecial.
Unspecial, I’m not even sure it's a word but it what I’m writing so I don’t care. Another problem, I don’t care. I don’t care about a lot of things, I don’t care about the clothes I wear, I don’t care about the food I eat, I don’t care if I drink Pepsi or Coca-cola so you know there has to be something wrong with me, but I do care about connection. I do care about touch, I do care about feels, I do care very much.
Like my little Dr.Suess moment there. lol
Anyway, it’s two parts of it, two parts of my thinking, when I think about what I’m going there. One part is the fact that I want to care but don’t and the other is that I want to experience different emotions, but can’t. Like I said I can’t honestly tell you, this book, when is the last time I cried because of joy or happiness. But I can tell you I cried 2 hours before this cause I was being mocked for buying you in the first place. I want to change my memories and have a shift in my emotion; will it happen now I don’t know but I would like to think I’m taking the steps to see.
Sincerely,
Lonely Person
